Showing posts with label Dorothy Parker. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dorothy Parker. Show all posts

Thursday, August 07, 2008

"I am religious!!!" or, Letters Week, Part IV

For today's installment of Letters Week, I've got two bits of more or less straight comedy. The first comes from Dorothy Parker, whose wit shines through everything she wrote, her letters being no exception. From The Portable Dorothy Parker, here's the opening of a letter to her sister, Helen Rothschild Grimwood, from sometime in 1939--the sensitive among you should be warned that it involves domestic animals coming to harm, though they survive it intact:
Dear Mrs. G., some day I will write you a letter containing good news, but so far the day hasn't dawned. Now last night, for example, Alan ran over Poupee, the poodle. . . . Her damages were a badly cut hind paw and a nasty case of shock (which I may say is nothing to the one Alan sustained) and, I hope, a resolve not to run barking out at cars any more. She is now in the hospital at Doylestown, where she has joined Jack, the Dalmation, who has an infection of his blood stream that made him come out in great horrible sores--and he did so enjoy being beautiful! He wouldn't be badly off if he had been taken to the doctor's in time, but Miss Gordon didn't get around to it while we were away. In fact, all the time we were away Miss Gordon stayed really magnificently drunk and neglected everything except the truck, which she smashed to pieces. Miss Gordon is with us no more, and I can't tell you the relief that is. It's funny how you think you can't get along without somebody and then when they finally do go, you realize they have been a burden and an irritant for years.

Six is fine. I don't need to mention that. When the poodle was run over and lay writhing in blood, he ran out and attacked her savagely. Sealyhams are glorious.
And here's an author less well-known for his humor, Gustave Flaubert, writing about his ambitions to his friend, writer Ernest Feydeau in August 21, 1859
after prolonged meditations, I want to invent a lovely autobiography, so as to ensure a good name for myself:
1 From my earliest years I have uttered all the famous saying in history: we shall fight in the dark--you are in my light--once more into the breach--a horse, a horse etc.

2 I was such a lovely young thing that all my nursemaids masturbated me until they dislocated their wrists . . . and the duchesse de Berry stopped her carriage so as to give me a kiss (historical fact).

3 I gave every sign of prodigious intelligence. Before the age of ten, I knew various oriental languages and I was reading Laplace's Celestial Mechanics.

4 I have saved 48 people from death by fire.

5 For a bet, one day I ate 15 sirloins of beef, and I can still easily manage to drink 72 big barrels of whisky.

6 I have killed 20 carabineers in the course of dueling. One day we were but three and they were ten thousand. We gave them a bloody good thrashing!

7 I have satiated the entire harem of hte Grand Turk. All the women, when they saw me, used to say: "How handsome he is! Taieb! Zeb Ketir!"

8 I steal into the peasant hovel and the working-class slum to bring relief to their unseen wretchedness. Here I see an old man, there I see a young girl, and so on (complete the sentence) and I bestow gold in great handfuls.

9 I have an income of a hundred thousand pounds. I give parties.

10 Publishers fight to get my manuscripts; I am pperpetually asailed by invitations from all the royal courts of Northern Europe.

11 I know all the "secrets of state".

12 (and lastly) I am religious!!! I insist that all my servants take communion.
This does make me wonder: could I squeeze the most outsized iteration of my ambitions into twelve points?

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

A final post on raconteurs

I was able today to see what the full Oxford English Dictionary had to say on the subject of raconteurs:
One skilled in relating anecdotes or stories.

1828 J. C. YOUNG Jrnl. 3 July in Memoir Charles Mayne Young (1871) I. v. 169 Sir Charles is a handsome, thoroughbred gentleman, and a capital raconteur. 1829 DISRAELI Yng. Duke I. xii. (1831) 97 Stamped the illustrious narrator as the most consummate raconteur. 1855-6 THACKERAY Four Georges (1861) 183 Scott..the very best raconteur of his time. 1885 Manch. Exam. 13 Apr. 5/7 He was a good raconteur. No one knew more good stories or could tell them so well. 1922 JOYCE Ulysses 604 A gifted man, Mr Bloom said of Mr Dedalus senior, in more respects than one and a born raconteur if ever there was one. 1937 Discovery Oct. 326/1 Mrs. Johnson says little about herself, indulges in no purple passages, and without the conscious effort of the raconteur she manages to introduce many good stories and telling anecdotes. 1958 L. DURRELL Mountolive xv. 296 The inevitable anecdote of a famous raconteur to round off the letter. 1972 J. MOSEDALE Football iii. 35 (caption) Jimmy Conzelman functioned as quarterback, coach, raconteur, songwriter..and promoter.


So raconteuse (-tøz), a female raconteur.


1863 OUIDA Held in Bondage (1870) 46 ‘There's not one of you men now-a-days like Selwyn’, began the old raconteuse again. 1892 Daily News 2 Aug. 5/1 Let us admit that she is a good raconteuse, for the sake of grammar.


Which leads me to a couple of raconteuses, a group I've managed to neglect all week. We'll start with Dorothy Parker. She opens this selection from "Literary Rotarians," (from the February 11, 1928 issue of the New Yorker and collected in The Portable Dorothy Parker (2006)), by slagging, by implication, the literary raconteur:
You cannot go ten yards, on any thoroughfare, without being passed by some Rotarian of Literature, hurrying to attend a luncheon, banquet, tea, or get-together, where he may rush about from buddy to buddy, the writing game. I believed for as long as possible that they were on for their annual convention; and I thought that they must run their little span and disappear, like automobile shows, six-day bicycle races, ice on pavements, and such recurrent impedimenta of metropolitan life. But it appears that they are to go on and on. Their fraternal activities are their livings--more, their existences.

Granted, Parker is writing not so much about raconteurs as about a very specific type of literary hobnobber, but her capacity for scorn is so great that I doubt she would hold fire should some theoretically unobjectionable retailer of anecdotes of literary life wander into her sights.

Even so, she can't help herself; the stories to be gleaned from watching this crowd are too tempting:
I went to a literary gathering once. How I got there is all misty to me. I remember that, on that afternoon, I was given a cup of tea which tasted very strange. Drowsiness came over me, and there was a humming noise in my ears; then everything went black. When I came to my senses, I was in the brilliantly lighted banquet-hall of one of the large hotels, attending a dinner of a literary association. The place was filled with people who looked as if they had been scraped out of drains. The ladies ran to draped plush dresses--for Art; to wreaths of silken flowers in the hair--for Femininity; and, somewhere between the two adornments, to chain-drive pince-nez--for Astigmatism. The gentlemen were small and somewhat in need of dusting. There were guests of honor: a lady with three names, who composed pageants; a haggard gentleman who had won the prize of $20 offered by Inertia: A Magazine of Poesy for the best poem on the occupation of the Ruhr district; and another lady who had completed a long work on "Southern Californian Bird-Calls" and was ready for play.
But Parker, as you can already see, did not allow the glamour of the event to overwhelm her skepticism:
By pleading a return of that old black cholera of mine, I got away before the speeches, the songs, and the probably donning of paper caps and marching around the room in lockstep. I looked with deep interest, the net morning, or the bookmen's and bookwomen's accounts of the event. One and all, they declared that never had there been so glamorous and brilliant a function. You inferred that those who had been present would require at least a week to sleep it off. They wrote of it as they wrote of every other literary gathering--as if it were like those parties that used to occur just before Rome fell.

From that day to this, I have never touched another cup of tea.


To balance Parker's scorn, I'll close with a raconteuse who truly relished outre stories, Nancy Mitford. In an October 19, 1953 letter to Evelyn Waugh, she tells of meeting Field Marshall Montgomery for lunch:
Well I had my luncheon with Monty. He is terribly like my Dad--watch in hand when I arrived (the first, luckily), only drinks water, has to have the 9 o'clock news & be in bed by 10, washes his own shirts, rice pudding his favourite food. All my books by his bed & when he gets to a daring passage he washes it down with Deuteronomy. But oh the glamour! He sat me next him although there were a French Marquise & and English peeress at the bout de la table. I do hope I did well--not absolutely sure, though. He took me to see an awful little English garden with maples turning red, & I was obliged to say that I couldn't look--too ugly. He was surprised. His ADC told me he said to a French general "I know what you're like--I've read The Blessing" & the Frog replied "Yes, well I've read Love in a C. C."

And, finally, from another letter to Waugh from October 30th of that year, a description of the recent activities of her reclusive, reactionary father (nicknamed Prod):
Prod lives on a small yacht, usually tied up at Golfe Juan. He is a perfectly happy human being & the idol of the local population there. He looks exactly like some ancient pirate--bone thin, pitch black, white hair & beard & dressed in literal rags. He wears steel rimmed spectacles. He has a villainous Spaniard who does the chores--when, on one occasion this fellow displeased Prod he ran up a signal, "Mutiny on board." However nobody in the modern world, except Prod, can read these signals any more so nobody came to the rescue. Last time he went to England he was shown that list of dutiable goods at the customs. He asked for paper & pencil & wrote down everything that is on it: "perfume handbags ladies underwear etc etc." It took ages & they had to keep the train. Then they asked him to open his suitcase & it was empty. So they said they would have him up, but Prod said "you can't have me up for declaring what I haven't got, only for not declaring what I have got." Do say he's lovely.